Feeling a little low today. So far have eaten a little more then usual today.

For breakfast I had a good old trusty bowl of just right cereal.
For lunch I had a medium sized bowl of fruit salad with a dollop (i'm really liking the sound of that word) of lite yoghurt.
Hoping my parents will cook something for dinner because if they don't I know I won't eat tonight and I kind of want to get myself at least partially back on track to not completely starving myself.

I was just watching oprah to break up my intense study regime and it was about obese people and how their families cause them to become the size they are via the constant persecution of their family or the roles that their family put them in. There were twin sisters on it... one of them was morbidly obese and the other was a recovered anorexic. It made me realise how much my family has really played a part in this whole ED mess. My cousin has always been the sporting champion, along with my brother and little sister. They are all worshipped by my family. Whereas me who although I do alot of sport and am a long distance runner I have never been the best of the best. I have the potential to be but I don't have the passion. My whole life I have been compared to perfect Morgan... always been told that I'm just not good enough. She has the perfect family, perfect boyfriend, perfect life where as little old me is the child of a broken marriage, having to take care of my mentally ill mother and being incredibly intelligent rather then a sporting bimbo.

Agh it just frustrates me. My cousin however is slowly losing interest in her running and just isn't making the grades at school. Finally the attention is slowly turning on me. I'm going to be the one that actually makes it... the one that does medicine and gives a name to our family rather then a hopeful runner who just isn't good enough. I guess all my life I have been striving for perfection, trying so hard to gain the love and respect of my father and his stuck up family. Trying to prove that I am not a complete failure, that I am good enough and that I am better then my bitch of a cousin. Even my mum used to compare me to her... 'why can't you just be more like Morgan, she helps her mum, she's nice to her brother, she works hard etc.'

I have always been the 'not good enough' child. Even with my straight A+'s, even with my multiple sports, my running, my dancing etc. The whole family come along to watch my brother in his bball and footy finals and we all have to go to the middle of god knows where to watch my cousin run but not once has the whole family had to come watch me play tennis even when I was in the top team and winning all my singles matches, winning the grand finals. My nan is the only one out of that side of my family that ever came to watch. They never saw me win the state swimming comps, never say me compete in my triathalons or my long distance races. Why was I never good enough?? Why was I never worthy of a birthday dinner and yet my cousin gets one every year?? Why was I never worthy of their love and attention?? Their approval?? What the fuck did I do wrong??

Even her older brother who is now in the army and is making something of himself is still being ignored and put aside in favor of Morgan. Their dad has never been interested in Brentons achievements only ever in Morgans.

Oh well... I guess that is how alot of families are. At least he is getting himself out. Once i turn 18 I am cutting all ties and will just gloat from a distance when they realise that I am going to do something with my life whereas precious Morgan will end up having to take what ever is offered.

alright I'm off... that's my rant for the day. Take care all xox